I used to be really tied up in who everyone wanted me to be. So tied up infact when I asked myself what I wanted I didn’t know the answer. People would ask what I envisioned myself doing and I honestly just thought someone would come along and call my next shot. One day I realized it wasn’t coming. People wanted me to have an opinion about my life more than I wanted to have one. Yet, I stood there convinced I was not old enough, wise enough, or smart enough to have a say. But no one was giving me answers anymore everyone was asking me what I wanted. The question about what I wanted to be made my skin crawl. I would exhale in nervous fashion and pretend I knew but I was grasping at stràws. I guess now I know having removed everything I could ever indentify with that I am still here. I guess I know that I am this person now. I guess I know this is not going away. Here I am. I am this person. I am: energetic, optimistic, a big time dreamer, relentless, strategic and a fierce supporter of dreaming big and making it happen. This is me.
I don’t have room for the smallness. For me. I have always been larger than life. I came into this world determined to change it and I got dramatically thrown off that path. It happened so early I didn’t know better than to be appreciative. That led me down all the “right” paths but inevitably the wrong ones as well. Eventually I would have to let go of what could have been and start living in the world of what was. This was a hard adjustment for my husband as well. Do you know what happens to a couple of has been athletes with no challenges or goals to go after in life. I suppose more often times than not projection and that is exactly where we were headed. Our plan was to live out the life we didn’t get and make sure our children did. We had actual discussions about the RV we would get to follow our kids around in (that still might happen). But that won’t be it for us. That won’t be the only thing. Our lives still matter. We still get to decide who we want to be. We don’t have to settle. We don’t have to leave fun to the future. We can live life right here. We still count.