Maybe we didn’t believe we deserved more. (A letter to the “failed” athlete)

Maybe we could finally forgive ourselves for everything we never became. The life we had promised ourselves the one that was never meant to play out was the one we still wish we were in. We spent days, months, and years of wasted energy reminiscing and wishing. It wasn’t our fault we would repeat even though we knew deep down it probably was. Or what if it just wasn’t? How do you accept it regardless? Maybe in the releasing of the guilt and anger for everything we were never supposed to become we could finally become what we were meant to be. Every second we held onto what never was became yet another wasted minute living in what could never be. It was a toxic place to live. The air was thick with un-imagined realities.

The release of the pressure of that impossible life seemed to be the struggle we were fighting. If we kept holding on to that we would forever live in the shadows.

I think we both thought we didn’t deserve more. Our failed attempt at our dream life as we could see it right then was a life sentence. We had accepted it gladly like all of the failed before us. “You knew it wouldn’t last forever,” they would say. That didn’t mean we believed you. That didn’t mean we didn’t dream that it could. And that definitely didn’t mean we couldn’t dream again so why did we think it did?

What happens when you let go of that? Maybe we would stop chasing something we couldn’t touch. Maybe we could show up again. What if we started looking at the present moment instead of chasing past moments or worse yet only living for future moments. We had to release it but how? We had to grow up from here yet we still felt too young to have had our chance stripped out from under us. Either way, our chance was the one we were in like it or not. This life was our truth. This life was our reality and we had wasted too many years not being here.