I just don’t anymore.

I don’t have room for the smallness. For me. I have always been larger than life. I came into this world determined to change it and I got dramatically thrown off that path. It happened so early I didn’t know better than to be appreciative. That led me down all the “right” paths but inevitably the wrong ones as well. Eventually I would have to let go of what could have been and start living in the world of what was. This was a hard adjustment for my husband as well. Do you know what happens to a couple of has been athletes with no challenges or goals to go after in life. I suppose more often times than not projection and that is exactly where we were headed. Our plan was to live out the life we didn’t get and make sure our children did. We had actual discussions about the RV we would get to follow our kids around in (that still might happen). But that won’t be it for us. That won’t be the only thing. Our lives still matter. We still get to decide who we want to be. We don’t have to settle. We don’t have to leave fun to the future. We can live life right here. We still count.

Escape fine.

I knew for along time that my life was just fine. I knew at some point I would have to decide wether or not I was ok with that. Choosing fine was not something I could stomach. I wanted great. I wanted everything. I wanted dreams bigger than retirement. I didn’t want to give up because I didn’t make it the first time I tried. I wanted to do things even though I knew those things would be different than what I had originally planned. I couldn’t give up on me. I couldn’t give up on the life of greatness I had planned just because I fell the first time I tried flying. I had settled for fine every step since that moment and I couldn’t settle anymore. Why did I give up on her? Why did I not believe she was strong enough for more? Why did I dream so small? Why is retirement what we spend our lives living for? Why was greatness preached as unatainable from someone like me? Why do we all settle for fine? Fine will never be fine for me. I am actively planning my escape from a life that was fine.

Who is with me?

Maybe there is a limit.

I am an avid pusher of my mindset.

With that being said even with all the head work I do the fear creeps in. This isn’t regular fear and I refuse to just end with rah! rah! we are all in this together I have fear too message. I will explain what that looks like for me right now.

For awhile I have been living in this bubble. I am happy here. It is comfortable. I am challenged but not pushing. I am sitting here in this moment wondering why? The fear is sitting in the unknown. What I know right now is that more people are listening to my work = win. What I do not know is if that is a good number of people aka important enough number of people and reviews to be valued somewhere. Fear of finding out has been holding me still. The next fear moment lies here. I am writing a book. This book is basically done. I have to pitch said book and like the podcast I will find out if I am good enough. If I am not good enough will have the strength to keep going for no? Part of me wants to just stay in fear forever never knowing. Most parts of me today were convincing me to go back to a regular job and give this up. I wish that I could say I was fearless but I am not (no one is). I have done so much and I am now wondering if my mind has climbed too many mountains. Maybe it is only conditioned for so much. Maybe I have maxed it out.

This isn’t a problem in the grand scheme of problems in this world but for me this is earth shattering. I have to move to this new place. I have to push past the fear for now I am sitting stagnant and I need to move soon. I don’t know what will push me but I hope this allows you to see that sometimes nothing is enough. I have to enlist all the resources. More often then not it is calling in the back up to the back up. Because there are just days, weeks, months and years when the fear seems too loaded to overcome and move past. I am sitting here with myself and if you are here too welcome. I hope we move past this.