I don’t have a response.

I have been reading everyone’s amazing posts about COVID-19 and the state of the country I live in. I guess I wish I had a response. I feel like I have been shifting in and out of action this entire year. Most action taken with hesitant and unsure steps. I just want to be sure again. Like, I can’t even remember the feeling of making a decision with a high likelihood of certainty. I woke up in March to a very uncertain world. In the time I was supposed to care less, I started caring more. I couldn’t sit by and watch the suffering. I couldn’t sit by and absorb the uncertain energies anymore. It was exhausting. It is still exhausting even more so with each passing day. Even removed from the physical energy my mind still escapes me wandering into the minds of the people really suffering, while I sit thinking and hoping this all passes.

My mind slowly wanders into an action state but every move I make I am reminded that the world is still in pain. I feel like I am looking at a different world than anyone else sees. I wish I didn’t feel all of these things. I wish I could relieve myself of the added stress try not to think about the world’s problems. I wish the world was normal and I know it won’t be for a long time. I wish I could move. I wish my mind wasn’t stuck in this place of unresponsiveness.

I wish decorating early was the answer. I wish shopping for gifts was the answer. I wish reading, writing, cleaning, exercising or eating were the answer. I wish consistency was the the answer. I wish really anything but what is happening right now was going to be the relief. But it isn’t. None of it is.

My mind most days look like thoughts floating around but never absorbing. I am practicing ways to reground my mind. I am not sure what is working. More than anything I just wish I didn’t feel pain for other people. I wish I was sure in just one step I took today or any day. I wish I was in a world where I knew how to show up in. I wish I knew how to help but I don’t. I wish I could blame one person but I can’t.

The world is uncertain and because of that I have no response to it.